Rising From the Ashes
Identity is something everyone has and can be vastly diverse and dependent on each beautiful soul of yours. Identity can be pure and beautiful, or it can be a fickle thing. Let’s start by taking a minute or so to write down everything you can to identify yourself.
Just a few short months ago, I performed this same task in a class. I remember everyone around me rustling as they started vigorously writing every word popping into their mind. The 60 seconds crept by as I stare blankly at what I had as the minute finished.
21 y.o. white female
This pivotal moment as others shared how they identified as a critical member of the family, athlete, student, feminist, and all of these amazing attributes that were reflective of these beautiful students sitting all around me… just a young white female.
This was the first time I stared my broken down identity in the face, washed away by relationships, worn down little by little from compromising myself, or losing sight of what made me unique, chip by chip. Unbeknownst to me, this was happening slowly every day, even though I had considered myself a strong and intellectual human. This was a significant wake-up call for me. I not only wanted to just curl up in a ball right there, but I wanted to go home and start working on myself…but how do I start working on myself, when I don’t even know who I am? I had an endless stream of consciousness and an ever-growing list of things to do for myself, but with no clear starting point. Seeking identity is not only vague but vulnerable.
I like to reflect on this, not as rock bottom, but my experience rising from the ashes. Not everyone can find their identity in the same ways, which is why this is not about “finding your identity in 5 quick minutes,” by rather stepping back to appreciate our beauty and possible areas for growth and added dimensions to who we are in this life. What I did:
A LOT of time getting in touch with my feelings… This enabled me to stifle and push EVERY life struggle and adversity under my strong facade and personality. When I uncovered my emotional scars, I found shattered relationships and interactions in my 21 years of existence. I was soon overwhelmed with an unprecedented flood of emotions and everlasting influxes of unknown and unanswered questions.
I was skeptical of talking about my feelings, and there were even life experiences I did not want to put to words, because in my head if I didn’t put words to it, it wasn’t real (never said it was a great idea but I did believe that). So there I was, telling all. I started working backward to pinpoint this collapse. We started to break down my thoughts, actions, even how I viewed affection from instances of abuse, leaving my ideas of “love” disheveled, manifesting as loads of self-hate and denial of my strengths. Therapy is not the end all be all, and I ALWAYS discredited it, but this has continuously produced an unbiased, healthy base of support to begin reconstructing the Macy Marina I knew was buried within.
How did it come to the Macy Marina you see today?
After my hour session every few weeks, I was left spending the other endless uninterrupted hours of life, with myself. There is endless beauty in solidarity. We spend EVERY SINGLE waking moment with ourselves. When there is nobody around, you always have yourself to hold you up and keep you going. There is beauty in being an amazing person on your own, and when that combination is fused with another soul of like satisfaction alone, produces an infinite union filled with passion and confidence. I am a firm believer in that people must love themselves before expecting others to accept them holistically, because if we can’t completely accept ourselves, why would we expect someone else to? That sounds very hypocritical to me…
This was my vision for my personal growth, which has been highlighted here, but also the motivation behind this blog. I want to be able to provide an insight in that you are in control of your identity, and if this is your face to face moment with some cracks in yours, I want to be able to facilitate growth and dimension in helping you create a powerful version of yourself, that you can carry with you every. single. day.
Taking time to appreciate solidarity is typically quite exposing and uncomfortable for people, which is funny, because why would we be afraid of ourselves? We aren’t anything to be afraid of, and spending time alone with our thoughts WILL NOT make you “weird.” I like to take time alone to welcome my emotions and genuine responses whole-heartedly wherever they take me!
To get to where I am today, I do want to attribute a large majority of it the people I have chosen to surround myself with, which has been the result in cutting off some dead ends and some relationships that were not highlighting who I wanted to be (V NOT EASY TO DO), but in doing so, I have created a group of people that have been able to follow my growth and progression, standing behind every toddler like unsteady, baby step. I’m sure it has not always been easy to watch, as I know it has been immensely challenging to do, but a grounded support so move mountains in combination with personal growth in solitude.
I am driven by the potential I see in every beautiful soul and identity that peeps across my site, in the hopes that I can make even the slightest impact on an identity dying to blossom at the seams of your capabilities. I seek to shed light on the structural well-being of ourselves so you do not have to stammer through a complete abandonment and rebuild period as I have, but more to share my experience and make you know that if I can rise up, so can you, and you can do it and look beautiful in your smile all along the way. Your true identity is merely huddled just behind a thin layer of your beauty, waiting for to set it free and providing the most innocent form of beauty.